TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Warning, Those Of You In The Midwest, Do Not Leave Any Pies On Your Windowsill

http://www.nctimes.com/articles/2005/07/19/special_reports/life_times/11_58_017_16_05.txt

It's old news, and it's been for awhile, but anyone can get their brief fifteen minutes. 'Specially nowadays, as economical to produce Reality TV seeps through an indiscriminate populace's television, and any dipshit with a website can get gain grass roots notoriety. But straight from a third rate paper spitting distance from my second rate town, comes this article, that I came across this morning on the internet while looking for pornography.

So, let me get this straight, one big fat asshole decides to walk cross country with no particular goal and it's worth this much newsprint? What's the next feature article, 'Man Decides To Get Hair Transplants'? C'mon, one airheaded fatty decides to abandon his family for a few weeks and walk across the country (note: your refrigerator and couch will still be waiting for you, alongside your lack of willpower) and all of sudden he's an inspirational force? How hard is it to inspire people? I know people's lives are empty, but I didn't know they were so empty that the utterly unremarkable tale of one fatass who is too good for say,

GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING GYM AND EATING WITH A LITTLE FUCKING MODERATION,

is going to give people hope? Hey, I got news for you, if Steve Vaught gives you hope, then your life is hopeless. I wish I had the luxury of unloading my three kids on my wife who has had to sleep next to my horrendous bulk for nine years who will work like a dog to support my fatass while I get interviewed my television crews and walk across country to fame, fortune, and adulation (has he inked a book tie-in deal yet?).

"You find out pretty quick you're boring."

Other people are less apt to catch on, though.

"If you live your entire life and only affect one person positively, that's a good life[.]" - Steve Vaught

Actually, Steve, and Gary, who is the glorified typist behind this poorly written piece of shit, this statement is simplistic, trite, pat, condescending, and totally and completely wrong. Maybe Steve honestly believes that in his cholesterol clogged wheeze brain, but that doesn't cut the mustard with me. To live a 'good life', you should do a lot more then affect one person positively (Hitler affected some people positively, was his life good? Ted Bundy had plenty of friends). Steve and Gary: leading a good life probably shouldn't include running down old people and killing them, even if it does put me in Steve's corner, because I hate the elderly.

"I'm just a human being like everybody else, but every human being is capable of doing amazing things[.]"

Also, not true. How many humans do you know? America is chockablock with easily distracted, ignorant, boring people, the vast majority of whom aren't capable of doing anything amazing. That is to say, unless your conclusion of being 'amazing' includes buying too much stupid shit, having an unearned sense of entitlement, eating a lot, frequenting terrible establishments, going through life without the desire to learn anything, having stupid kids, or being able to tolerate their jobs. I hate America. Actually, that's wrong. Maybe there is hope for America. Say what you will about that monstrous American teenager, but at least portions of them lack sympathy for fat backpackers whose slight knee injury and rash is news. I'd like to shakes hands with whatever miscreant fired paintballs at Steve. Thank you.

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