TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Monday, May 02, 2005

I Bought A New Guitar Amp

Yeah. I went back to Guitar Center to buy a new amp. I practiced with Jesse yesterday and despite his company making my skin crawl, it was still pretty enjoyable. He intimated that he doesn't want me to go and keep using his Peavy, so I thought would use my tax refund check (the reverse whorism dividend for Uncle Sam fucking you all year) to buy my own personal one. I didn't really know what I wanted, except one loud enough to hear over a drumset. I didn't want to fuckaround with buying a used amp, mostly because I can't handle dealing with some longhaired music dealer idiot who would be able to instantly tell I can't tell my ass from a Dalmatian and rip me off. I wanted to buy a new amp, so I would have the warrantee in case the eight year old kids in Indonesia that manufactured it at knifepoint did a slipshod assembly job.

Guitar Center is a place where the hand of God has yet to touch, from the horrific parking lot, to the assholes practicing their metal licks inside, to the unequaled horrors of the drum room, there isn't anything about the place that doesn't make me want to grab a machine gun and start mowing down passerby with one hand while rubbing my erection with the other.

After trying my best to ignore everything. I sat down a tried various amps.

Marshalls:

Marshalls make you sound like the kind of guy who stuffs the crotch of his pants to impress girls with fake breasts. Try as I may to fiddle with the tone on the outrageously expensive machines, everything made me sound like someone who was influenced by T.Rex but still just didn't get it. The longhaired dimwit employee, who, let it be known, wore a miniature Marshall on his belt, walked up and told me the amp had a 'fat tone'. He then winced. I didn't know if he thought he was making fun of me or not. Marshalls are completely irredeemable.

Crate:

Crates sound like am amp and twelve year old who wants to buy Marshall but cannot afford it, would get for Christmas from his parents. They are also very cheap and ugly. Not that aesthetics are terribly important to me, but guitars and amps often have a nice, simple utilitarian design that I can appreciate. But not Crates.

Peavy:

Many had a horrible design with some kind of ugly metal grill that seems influenced by the crop of monster garage type spin offs that appeal to men with big trucks and tiny little cocks. They sounded okay, but Peavy reminds me too much of Huffy. In Hawaii, if you owned a Huffy bicycle (as I did), it was open season on making fun of you as much as possible for having the misfortune to own that type of bike. I don't need anymore of that shit.

Vox:

Really expensive. I didn't buy their mix of tube and transistor shit, either. Look, fuckface, MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND. MANUFACTURE A FUCKING TUBE AMP, or MANUFACTURE A FUCKING SOLID STATE AMP. There is no shame in either. But, just don't MANUFACTURE BOTH IN ONE PACKAGE, okay? You can't have everything. I know, you think you might be able to through clever engineering, but you are not that clever. it's just not going to work combining the technologies, so you have to state your preference and go with it, okay? One or the other, alright?

Randal:

I dunno. Just okay. Sounded like an amp, (fine it made my guitar sound louder, what, you want a backrub?) but nothing special. They were also prohibitively expensive.

Fenders:

I don't see what the big goddamned deal is. They sound like Randals, just dipped in a big pool of sissy. They are expensive, they have names that like 'Hot Rod Delux' that make me entire body cringe, and they are also using that goddamned technology where they try and combine tubes and solid state because they are too fucking wishy washey to make up their minds. Fuck Fender.

Behringer:

Behringers are for those people that ride those bicycles where you sit in a reclining seat and have a windshield. They are just to special for a normal bicycle, and they have to advertise their deep iconoclasm by riding a bike that makes them look like an idiot. Yes, Nazi Germany did many horrible things, but they didn't seem like the kinds of people that would tolerate someone riding a bicycle like that. That is the only nice thing I will say about Nazis.

Traynor:

For people that have subscriptions to Guitar Player.

B-52:

For people that start crying if they find out they got crunchy peanut butter instead of smooth.

So, the amp I finally purchased is:

The Line 6 Flextone III

This thing has all sorts of cool shit. It has a bunch of dials where I can have all these effects without having to have one of those really silly little boards with all the effects pedals mounted to it. Echo, phaser, flanger, chorus, tremolo, they are all here, and all of them sound great. I have a dial where I can make it sound exactly like a:

’87 Roland JC-120
or,
Hiwatt DR-103
or,
’64 Fender Deluxe
or,
’53 Fender Deluxe
or,
’58 Fender Bassman
or,
’63 Fender Vibroverb
or,
’65 Blackface Fender Twin
or,
Budda Twinmaster 2x12 Combo
or,
’96 Matchless Chieftain
or,
’02 Cornford mk50h
or,
’63 Vox AC 30 with Top Boost
or,
’61 Vox AC 15
or,
’65 Marshall JTM-45
or,
’68 Marshall Super Bass
or,
’68 Marshall ‘Plexi’ Super Lead
or,
’85 Marshall Silver Jubilee
or,
’90 Marshall JCM-800
or,
’00 Marshall TSL100
or,
’01 Mesa Boogie Dual Rectifier
or,
’02 Mesa Boogie Triple Rectifier
or,
Soldano SLO-100 Head
or,
Bogner Extacy
or,
Gibson Explorer
or,
Supro S6616

The fact that I don't know what a 1985 Marshall Silver Jubilee sounds like matters little to me, but it's nice to know that I spent a fraction of what the real one would sound like, and none of those nitwits that take things like that seriously would be able to tell the difference. I can foresee people giving me guff over my choice of amp, but did you ever stop and think how silly many of your amp preferences are? Sure, your band has some weird one-off amp from the seventies, does that make you an iconoclast? What if many of the bands in your scene go out of their way to buy the weirdest looking, most impractical, strangest amps they can find? Fine I get it, you've got a beat up old amp. I bet I spent less on mine, which is brand new and if I sneeze I can send it back to the factory where a platoon of dipshits in lab coats will go over every electrical nook and cranny with diagnostic gear and find out exactly what the problem is and fix it, post haste.

What about people that buy brand new amps and then deliberately bang them up and scuff them so they will more closely resemble the vintage design they so obviously covet? It's just too sad.

Anyway, I didn't even get buyers remorse. I really like my new amp. I can't wait to really crank it.

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