TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

It Sure Feels Like I Am A Real Person

So this is a new one. I feel a need to defend myself, namely, people have been emailing me, accusing me of NOT BEING A REAL PERSON. Do you know how strange of an accusation that is? What am I then, a goddamned ghost? Fuck.

Some points of contention:

1. 'Phil Honolulu can't be your real name'

Well, no shit. It's not Phil, it's Philip. You think when my family came over from the old Country that they changed it to Honolulu at Ellis Island? Of course my last name isn't Honolulu, you fucking nitwit. This is really strange, because obviously fake names on people like 'Dan Gerous' and 'Steve Sleaze' and 'Brian Cozomel' have written to express displeasure with me, in addition to complimentary folks like Todd Tricknee, Eric Lastname, and Madam X. How come nobody gives any of them shit? Huh?

2. 'How come you don't go under your real name?'

In addition to the instant revocation of what little social status I have, imagine the untold damage it would do to me at work if Letters Have No Arms ever came up in the Boss's browser. I've also had people write and threaten to MURDER me, so you can imagine my reluctance to put my real last name up publicly.

3. "All the stuff you've described is bullshit"

This is the strangest. Here I am, describing things that happened to me to the only people that will listen (i.e. the anonymous masses), and I get guff. I ate a 3 lb. salami, and I won more then eighty dollars. I'll be happy to leave my stool on your doorstep if you don't believe me. I made an asshole of myself multiple times in social situations. Why would I make something like that up? You think I intentionally go out of my way to appear like an asshole? Why the fuck would I do that? Maybe I should go for Garage braggadocio persona instead, like many of you readers/pinheads:

"Yeah, this weekend after drinking a case of beer and snorting three grams of coke I got so many rare singles that you won't believe it. This all went into my collections, which is huge. I got singles so rare that they don't even exist. You should see the size of my record collection. I get twenty records a day. I've got a big record collection. I also got many seventies punk singles. Originals, I know I can get the reissue, but it just doesn't sound the same. So I grabbed my skinny girlfriend and then hot footed it in my original Chuck Taylors to the show where I saw three bands that were so unbelievably world changing that I can only describe it in totally pedestrian terms. Then I posted on ten message boards."

No, instead I just related information from my pretty fucking uneventful life, and all of a sudden I'm not a real person anymore. Fuck.

And one last thing:

Yes, the fucking Richard Hell interview was made up. You think Richard Hell would take the time off from talking about how smart he is to read a blog in the first place? Oh, what, you're angry now? I'm a jerk now? I'm immoral because all of a sudden I'm a journalist and I'm making shit up? I upset you? I mislead you?

Here's my response: FUCK YOU, and if you thought it was real and now you're unhappy about it, get angry at your mother for allowing the weakest sperm to fertilize the egg that eventually became you, don't take it out on me.

Plenty of updates coming this week. Get ready. It's going to be some great stuff.

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