TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Let's Make Fun Of The Stones For Being So Old

Yeah! It’ll be fun! Look at Mick, running around on stage, preening and prancing! At his advance age, he could really use a wheelchair, or at the very least, require a use of a walker. Be careful Pops, don’t snap a hip! Keith? Keith did a lot of drugs when he was younger, but he is old now. Hey Keith, why don’t you recommission your old sweater and hit Senior Tuesdays at the local multiplex? At Ron Wood’s age (old) he should be feeding pigeons in the local park and complaining about teenagers! Charlie Watts? More like Grandpa Watts!

Every time I hear some nitwit middle aged suburbanite pass wind through their massive guts and through their beef clogged windpipe to give the Stones guff for going on tour again, along with a few easy, token smart aleck quips for getting along in age but still charging along, I want to shit on the top of their heads. Whenever I see some young dipshit in hornrims and tightpants try to get a chuckle at The Stones’s expense, I want to ram a broken malt liquor bottle deep into the recesses of his brains. Listen Fella, cut The Stones some slack. Sure, I had to walk into a Best Buy to purchase the 'Forty Licks' dvd, but you see the fucking thing? The setlists? They did ‘Monkey Man’, for God’s sake! When the other lauded drummers of the age were in a contest to see how long they solo for, impressing an audience of longhaired burnouts, Charlie never added to his minimalism. When the trend of the age was seeing how many drums you could fit on a tortured rack and utilize during excessive theatrical drumming, Charlie occasionally utilized a rack tom before going back to his tried and true hi-hat, snare, and kick (and not hitting the later two at the same time). Keith still hasn’t succumbed to the allure of over the top guitar theatrics, and is still mostly just using his fucking index finger. Sure, I admit, up close Mick Jagger is probably a very unpleasant sight, a fearsome visage of crags patched by latest trend in plastic surgery - but have you seen Mick running around, putting on a show? I’m thirty, and I get severely winded walking uphill, while Mick runs around like an excited puppy. You can accuse the man of not trying to put on a show. Yeah, I didn’t see Mick’s last foray into the movies ‘The Man From Elysian Fields’, either but I know goddamned well it’s better then ‘Masked And Anonymous’ and ‘Greenfield’ put together.

Oh what, their clothes are funny? Yeah? What about these other goddamned bands I see running around? I don’t mean those big chart toppers, that goes without saying, no, even those small fry bands you hold near and dear to your heart. They are authentic, traversing the land in a tiny van for a handful of people and recording singles for tiny labels and helping the scene… Well asshole, where’d you get the sleeveless shirt? It come like that? Oh you just found that nicely distressed jacket with all those pins in your closet? The artfully ripped jeans? The composed tasseled wash of hair to give the carefully calculated illusion of casualness? What, your self image isn’t something you work at, fuckface? So if Mick wants to slap on a designer T-shirt, who the fuck are you to say anything?

Sure, the last couple of Stones records are, to put it kindly, no great shakes. But you hit a certain age, your youthful vigor and exuberance and desire to write good songs just wanes away. But the ‘The Storm’ is pretty good. Oh well. But, hey, what about those last couple Beatles albums, you know those ones in the early Nineties? They sucked. Oh wait, forgot, The Beatles broke up. The Stones didn’t. They are troopers. Hey, Beatles, even the goddamned Kinks managed to stay together, and they were genuinely mean, unpleasant people who were sheer torture to be around. Say what you will about McCartney, but he was probably a decent guy to sit around with, where as either of the Davies was a real fucking prick.

I just watched much of the Forty Licks DVD, and think the Stones are still great. The Stones are old enough to be Grandparents? You know what my Grandparents were did? They sat around not saying anything, staring at the television. When they did speak you would have to do your best to ignore it, because otherwise you ran the risk of getting caught up in a garbled web of bland, incomprehensible digressive speech where you couldn’t get a word in edgewise. While the Stones were becoming Grandparents, Charlie became a junkie and kicked it, while Ron became addicted to freebasing coke, Jagger cheated on his wife with Brazilian supermodels before weaseling his way out of his marriage, and Keith stole guitars from fans looking for an autograph. It seems kind of unfair to compare them, doesn’t it?

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