TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Take Heed

Common phrases used in contemporary criticism, and the actual meaning:

For music:

"Sounds like the Stooges/MC5"
Sounds like the Hellacopters.

"Sounds like the Stones/New York Dolls"
Sounds like a bar band.

"Sounds like the Germs/Electric Eels"
Does not sound like the Germs or The Electric Eels.

"Uncompromising"
Pretentious.

"Hilarious"
Stupid.

"Kraut Rock Influenced"
Wanky.

"Classic"
Slightly better then some of the other records released this month.

"Maintaining their credibility"
They are getting old and useless.

"Mellow"
Boring.

For movies:

"Existential"
I don't know what I am talking about, but I think using big fancy words will make me look smart and my readers can't tell the difference anyway, can I have my check please?

"Noir"
Another lousy modern crime movie.

"Witty"
Obvious.

"Quirky"
Incapable of sustaining a consistent tone.

"Uncompromising"
Pretentious.

"Not since 'The Graduate'"
Not since that other movie last year that also got compared to 'The Graduate'.

"David Lynchian"
Contains barely perceptible, slightly surreal elements.

"A Young Marlon Brando"
A drug addled Actor with a career doomed to failure.

"Good sound design"
I still need a few more words to make my minimum.

"Improvasational abilty"
Able to repeat the same phrase with minor variations in tone of voice.

"A Young Meryl Streep"
Not as attractive as the others in the cast.

"Personal"
Self indulgent.

For books:

"Well researched"
Poorly written.

"Savage"
Frequent profanity.

"Brilliant"
Possibly better then average.

"Genius Author"
Overpraised, overrated author.

"Uncompromising"
Pretentious.

"Conservative"
Hopelessly out of touch.

"Liberal"
Clueless Hippy.

"Southern"
Closet racist.

"Bukowski influenced"
It sucks.

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