TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Rat In My Apartment

Not a little one either, this thing is a monster. Despite my dark apartment being filthy and unsanitary entirely due to personal neglect and laziness, I've never had any problems with pests. My reasoning is this, I don't have any visitors, so who gives a good goddamn what the inside looks like? This morning I stepped out of the shower and saw a rat in the middle of my living room floor, it had gnawed a big hole in a paperback book (some self help bullshit my Mother had purchased for me) and was chewing on the corner. When I interrupted it, it looked at me, emitting malevolence. The rat was big, I'd estimate it at being a foot long (not including the tail), with matted, spotty gray fur. Before I could feel disgust, the fucking thing started running at me like a cheetah. I dropped my towel, ran back into the bathroom and shut the door. It scratched at my bathroom door trying to get in. Unfortunately, my bathroom door swings inwards, so I wasn't able to kick it open and fling the rodent across the room. So I wrapped my feet and ankles in my spare bath towels, grabbed my bathroom scale and got ready to bash the fucking rat good. When I opened the door a crack, it scrambled in, immediately started scrambling up the towel wrapped around my left foot and lower leg, with frightening speed it was headed towards my soft, pale upper leg and crotch. At this point I started screaming like a women, dropped the scale, brushed off the slimy rat with the back of my right hand, and when it fell to the floor I kicked it, left the bathroom and slammed the door. I had the goddamned thing trapped. I didn't want to call an exterminator or have my landlord come up here. I didn't want to kill the animal, even though it's tried to bite me and for some unknown reason is extremely aggressive. So I put on my boots, tucked my pants into the top, donned a heavy jacket, and grabbed an oven mitt and a big pot. I figured I'd kick open the door, slam the pot on top of the foul creature, and then release it into the greener pastures of the hallway to go bother someone else. I opened the bathroom door, pulse pounding, fully expecting the rat to come charging out and attacking. But it wasn't in there. It wasn't in any of the cabinets or drawers, either. I have no idea where it went. I'm horrified to go to sleep tonight, the thought of waking up and having a rat chewing on my lower lip is almost too much to bear.

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