Friday, December 03, 2004

I Can't Sleep

Last night, despite being tired, I couldn't sleep. I would lay in bed wide awake, then I'd pace around, and go back to bed again and lie there awake. I don't know how to describe it, but it happens to me occasionally. There was nothing for me to do so I decided to put on my coat and go for a walk at night, figuring that a some cold air and mild exertion would be just what the doctor ordered. I tried to shut down all but the reptilian portion of my brain, and I would make a goal that seemed inordinately far and keep the same pace and try my best to avoid conscious thought. It was nice, before I knew it I would have ascended great distances. I just kept walking straight, the only interruptions being stepping over curbs. It was cold and I could see my breath, and I didn't feel tired, just satisfied that I was able to walk so long and the general lulling, hypnotic effect. Before I realized it though, I was far from my apartment building and actually closer to work, so I just kept going until I made it to my workplace. It must have taken for or five hours. I kind of paced around outside to keep moving and watched the sun come up and all the various activity around, people starting their days and the traffic gradually increasing. The janitor let me in the building and I drank a few cups of coffee even though I didn't feel tired at all. I actually felt good, I had lot's of energy and only mildly disoriented, enough where it was actually pleasant. This went on for a few hours, when it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was tired and incapable of focusing on anything. I had a hard time doing anything, walking past someone's desk became disproportionately challenging and I couldn't hold on to a thought very long. I managed to get through the work day by constantly drinking coffee, but I was sweaty and my skin felt strange and generally felt like my brain had been wrapped in gauze. I'd get really hungry out of nowhere and then the thought of food would make me nauseous. At six I realized how long of a walk it would be home (four or five hours) and after fifteen minutes I couldn't really even figure out the proper direction and all I could think of was sleep. I got some kind of energy drink at a convenience store and used the change to call a cab. It took a good forty minutes to get there and I was afraid I would nod off standing up and my head would smash against the pavement. When the cab guy got there I told him where I lived but he still needed some directions and I kept falling asleep in the rear of the cab, smelling the exhaust. The guy drove like a maniac, slamming on his brakes and accelerator and riding the center lane and it was the farthest thing from relaxing, but I kept nodding off anyway. Now I'm home and I took a shower and I have no work or social engagements, the next thing I have to do is wake up Monday morning for work, so if I wanted to I could haul my ass into bed and sleep all weekend. But I can't sleep. I just sit in bed and I drift off, then I start thinking I am work or walking down the street and some involuntary brain function tells me to stay awake. I try to walk around but I feel clumsy and heavier then usual, and I can't focus on a book because no position, sitting, laying, or standing is comfortable and I'll read a few paragraphs and then forget was preceded it. So now I'm posting on the computer, because there is nothing else for me to do. I'm afraid to put on any records, because I don't want to just be drifting off to sleep, only to awaken with the realization I have to flip over a record or turn the stereo off. Fuck it, I'm going to lay in bed with a nice glass of gin.

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