TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Friday, November 19, 2004

The Year In Movies, So Far

Movies I enjoyed:

Zatoichi
Sideways
Shaun Of The Dead
DiG
Team America
Collateral
Fahrenheit 9/11
Club Dread
Kill Bill Vol. 2
Dawn Of The Dead
Super Size Me
A Dirty Shame
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Ju-On

Movies I despised:

Saw
Alien Vs. Predator
The Ladykillers
The Stepford Wives
Walking Tall
Troy

Movies I saw which had very little impact on me, and have no strong opinions about:

The Grudge
Spartan
Napoleon Dynamite
Anchorman
The Big Bounce
Hellboy
I, Robot
Paparazzi
Secret Window

Movies I am looking forward to seeing:

Overnight
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
Closer
Infernal Affairs
Old Boy

A movie I wouldn't see, even for a blowjob from your mother while you are forced to watch:

I Heart Huckbee's

Movies I may or may not end of seeing, but can be assured they will suck because I they couldn't even find two minutes worth of decent footage for the shitty looking trailers:

The Aviator
Alexander

Movie from a filmmaker that everyone seems to like whose movies I have never seen the appeal of, and whose smug trailer radiates the type of 'look how clever I am' ostensible comedy I can't stand, but I'll probably end up seeing in irregardless and dislike it and wonder what is wrong with by turns, myself, then everyone else:

The Life Aquatic

Movies I saw a trailer for and thought to myself, 'there's no fucking way I'm going to see that':

13 Going On 30
50 First Dates
Agent Cody Banks 2
The Alamo
Alfie
Along Came Polly
Barbershop 2: Back In Business
Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason
Christmas With The Kranks
Chronicles Of Riddick
Danny Deckchair
De-Lovely
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
Dodgeball
Envy
Fat Albert
Finding Neverland
First Daughter
Garfield
The Girl Next Door
Hidalgo
Home On The Range
Jersey Girl
Johnson Family Vacation
King Arthur
Ladder 49
Lemony Snicket's Bullshit
The Motorcycle Diaries
Mr. 3000
My Baby's Daddy
National Treasure
Nicotina
The Notebook
Passion Of The Christ
The Polar Express
Princess Diaries 2
Raising Helen
The Reckoning
Riding The Bullet
Scooby-Doo 2
She Hate Me
Shrek 2
Starsky & Hutch
Super-Babies: Baby Geniuses 2
Surviving Christmas
Suspect Zero
Taking Lives
Taxi
The Terminal
Torque
Van Helsing
The Village
Welcome To Mooseport
White Chicks

Looking at the above list is pretty sobering. I wonder what the fuck I was thinking seeing movies that I knew beforehand were obvious garbage. I took the list from www.moviebox.net of movies released in 2004 a simply wrote down which movies I watched. Scrolling through the list, I skipped past critically recommended movies with alarmingly frequency. I can't figure out for the life of me what in the hell I was doing seeing a PG-13 remake of the wonderful 'Walking Tall', or a remake of the already one note extended Twilight Zone episode lousy fiasco of 'The Stepford Wives'. The Coen brothers humiliate themselves? Three fucking lousy remakes I saw? Acutally, four including 'The Grudge'? Did I walk in to some movie theater (something I despise in itself, with the mongoloids working the projector, the inadequate ticket takers, and the audience of loud assholes) knowing beforehand I would dislike something but still had to spend some money to confirm it? I got too see some once great talents piss all over their legacies and descend into lousy hackdom (Coen brothers, Mister Mamet, take a bow, gents). Goddamned, if only I had that money back I spend on all that fucking horseshit. Reading that list makes me realize I am on stupid motherfucker.

But what is really frightening is the list of movies I made my mind up not to see. Can you believe how horrible that looks? Movie theaters nowadays are like the castle in the end of the second Lord Of The Rings movie, there are millions of incomprehensibly horrible monstrosities outside, waiting to get it to torture, rape, maim, and kill anything they get their hands on. Fuck.

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