TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Friday, November 26, 2004

Someone Punched Me

It's strange someone actually punched me. I thought that once you were an adult, got a real job, lived on your own without siblings, and especially, avoided sports and social interaction, the odds of you getting punched went downhill. But fuck a duck, I proved that wrong. I was walking through my hallway with a garbage bag (on my way to the chute) when I ran into my neighbor. He used to do some kind of athletic activity, I'm not sure which, but he stalks through the halls with tiny sweat shorts, with some kind of mesh jersey. He's got a big mane of hair, and he usually wears ugly little sunglasses. I saw him without his shades on once, and his eyes were so closer together a monocle probably could have done the job. I don't even know what he does for a living. He told me his name once, it was Mike or John or Mark or Josh or something, but I forgot. But he always says hello. I was in a foul mood, here I am, a thirty year old fat, ugly friendless dickhead that couldn't get laid if my cock shot out hundred dollar bills, that has nothing better to do on a Friday night then haul my trash down the hallway, which is a big pain in the ass with a fucked-up finger. So I was going down the hall, he was going the other way, and he said: "Hey Phil, you stick your finger up someone's ass?" and I said "Yeah, your Mom just has no sense of humor", and he punched me. I think he punched me. All of a sudden I was just in the hallway by myself in a daze, my equilibrium was shot, my head felt twice it's normal size, trash was all over the hall, and I couldn't really walk straight. I went back to my apartment and there's a massive lump about three inches across on my forehead. I can't touch it without bolts of pain going through me. Along with my still fucked up chin, and messed up finger, I'm afraid to ever leave my bed again. Why do these things always have to happen to me?

I've got a beer bottle wrapped in an old t-shirt tied to my head right now with the belt from my bathrobe. After the initial pain, it felt very soothing. I think I'm going to listen to the Fall-Outs record in a couple hours, once my head stops throbbing and I calm down a bit.

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