TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Sunday, November 07, 2004

I Sent Out About A Million Of These

So, I sent every attractive (and semi-attractive) female between 18 and 37 on Yahoo personals within 25 miles of my apartment the following:

Hello,

My name's Phil. I'm new to this kind of shit. Not that I think I'm ABOVE it - or any bullshit like that, but I'm kind of cheap and reluctant to enter into such an enterprise because of the stigma associated with it. I don't like describing myself because I'll either sound like a self-absorbed asshole that think's yours truly is the cat's pajamas, or some sad, pathetic, self hating, self depreciating dipshit. In reality I'd like to say I'm the moderate between the two, but that would be a dirty lie, the later is a reasonably apt description. I don't really have an hobbies per say, I don't go hiking or golf or collect stamps. I used to buy lot's of music, but lately I just haven't had the money and having to interact with jerk-off record collecting types is kind of like having your mother killed by a maniac with a hook in front of you at the age of six, just more emotionally painful. I read, I wish I could say I was reading epic Russian novels and obscure books of Turkish philosophy, but mostly I just kind of pick a non-fiction book at random and read that. I have a sense of humor, but other people don't seem to understand it. I recently got a nice mountain bike (long story) and have been riding that and haven't found it nearly as unappealing as it looks, but it does hurt my nuts sometimes. I dunno, maybe if you've got a bike and some kind of vehicle that is able to transport it, we could go ride around a goddamn lake or park or something. I've got a really lousy job at a boring company, but lucky for you, I don't like talking about it. I do not like homeless people, children, the elderly, yuppies, people that are too interested in one thing and can't shut their fucking holes about it, assholes, idiots, morons, Republicans, Democrats, anyone who has ever even entertained the idea of attending Burning Man, hippies, religious people, Texans, protesters, anyone who talks about wanting to make a documentary, people that enjoy fishing, recovering alcoholics, Germans, and plenty of other types of people I've forgot. I do like pizza, beer, wine, liquor, movies about people that end up committing suicide, small dogs, rainstorms, Richard Stark, Indian food, gorillas, squirrels, used bookstores, being by myself, eating out, skipping stones, snow (in small doses), double stuff oreos and a few other things. I enjoy being by myself a great deal, but I'm looking to change that. I used to live in Hawaii, but moved out when I was twenty because I hated the Islands and was hoping they would sink into the ocean and the residents eaten alive and mutilated by giant squids. I've never been out of the country and would like to do more traveling, I just can't afford it yet. You seem really nice. Most of the people whose profiles I looked at did their best to make sure anyone reading knew they were real fucking dummies, but you actually seem like a very pleasant person. It would be great if you emailed me back, and I hope you have a nice day...


If writing something like that can lead me to a long-delayed sex session, it would be well worth the effort. Hopefully one of these girls (hopefully one that doesn't look like a shaved bigfoot, either) will bite.

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