Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Unsolicited Article I Submitted to the Nimrods at Maxim

The article:


If you’re reading this magazine, likely you’re depressed, or are have struggled with it before. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re telling me you’re not? You’re fine, happy, etc? Everything’s great, and this magazine is just a reflection of the wonderful, exciting lifestyle you lead? Oh, I get it, softcore cheesecake photographs of girls that would laugh in your semi-literate face if you ever mustered up the courage to see if they wanted to accompany you to the local sportsbar? Helpful tips on the seduction of members of the opposite sex that are so pathetic that they will fall for the line of horseshit that you lapped up in a mass market publication? Face it, you’re pathetic, and if you are not depressed, you’re self delusion is terminal. People that read things like this publication aren’t very happy. And you shouldn’t be. You should be very upset with the path your life has taken. I’m here to help. I’ve been depressed many a time, and gotten advice from all sorts of people. From clinical psychiatrists with pricey degrees, to everyday Joe’s whom’s opinions I trust implicitly. Before you go back to your work place, where your Walter Middyish front of being a suave sophisticate is in danger of being dashed by the sad reality of your longing wish that someone at your work would respect you, late night sessions viewing pornography on the internet, wistfully fantasizing about girls who would sooner bathe in hydrochloric acid than give you a hug, and worrying about your dismal future and all consuming unhappiness, give this a read.

Trust me on this, I get depressed a lot. Short of suicide, I’ve tried everything. And because I need the money selling an article like this can get me, I’m going to gladly share the results of this with you.

What You Should Do:
1. Exercise.
Get your fat ass in shape. No, I’m not going to reassure you that your rotund figure is a result of genetics. No, I’m not going to insist you cut carbs out of your diet (bread is only the foundation of western civilization, so why doesn’t your tubby ass cut it some slack?). And no, I’m not going to give you some five minute a day workout plan that’s going to make you into a brick shithouse in a few weeks. Let me guess, you are an overweight male who hasn’t moved a muscle except to beat off or occasionally takes the stairs to his dingy cubicle when the elevator is broken? You can bet your rapidly receding hairline that some jogging is in order. Yeah, I know jogging sucks. I know you look and feel ridiculous in your jogging gear and feel like a real numbskull huffing and puffing down the street. But keep in mind, when you are fat you look stupid all the time. At the very least, you will be too busy noticing how inordinately painful your muscles feel, how you are completely out of breath you are, and how death would be preferable to the way you are feeling. It will also help you sleep. After you lug your pained, sluggish carcass into bed to lie inert, your body will award you with some endorphins. Kind of like a friend giving you cocaine after you do him a favor. Sleep is a key thing here, because nothing is worse then laying in bed, wide awake, at four in the morning with nothing to do except reflect on how lousy your life has turned out. Bonus tip: Get an Ipod, that way you can listen to music while jogging along and it’s easier to concentrate on how much your muscles hurt without the outside stimulus of noise. Also, if use it while walking around the city by yourself you have a legitimate reason not to acknowledge homeless people.
2. Eating healthy.
Eating healthy has obvious benefits. It’s not as horrible as it sounds, either. You feel better. It helps your waistline. I could lie to you and say that women are looking for your inner beauty, but that’s bullshit. Sure, the average girl doesn’t give a shit if you’ve got a little bit of padding. But it doesn’t hurt. It also doesn’t hurt the ‘ol ego if you don’t feel bad taking your shirt off. Try eating some fucking vegetables. They aren’t that bad. And lay off the salad dressing. Don’t get the ranch. Low fat is bullshit. It says non fat? Let’s see how much sugar, or more likely, corn syrup they put in there. See, no, it’s not healthy. Do not scarf down the whole plastic tubfull of fries. Have a few. Your mom told you not to waste food, right? Well she probably told you masturbation is wrong as well. It is not necessary to eat the entire portion. The starving children in China will likely be strapping on an AK-47 and trying their damndest to murder us in a decade or two anyway, so thinning out their ranks a little is more patriotic than putting an American Flag on your ugly SUV. Try some oatmeal for breakfast instead of that heaping pile of greasy hash browns. I’m not saying that you should have a lone piece of celery for lunch, but try not to have a burger, onion rings, buffalo wings, and a slice of carrot cake. If you eat better, you’ll feel better physically, and you will not have the guilt that accompanies fattening meals. Okay? Okay.
3. Talk to someone.
It does help. That’s what most therapy is anyway. Getting to vent to someone is an excellent way of unloading your problems on to another person. If you don’t have any close friends of family members, then a therapist is probably right for you. I’ve seen therapists. I think it’s horseshit. Sure, if I just survived a horrific plane crash, or was held hostage by cultists that tried to brainwash me, I’d give them a call. Otherwise, call up a good friend. That’s what they are for. Spend some time with your friends. Mexican food with a few good friends can help a great deal. You didn’t see Pancho Villa getting depressed, do you?
4. Sex.
Since most of the time depression is often a lack of said activity, this should be one of the first things you try. I know most of us would gladly push our Grandmother off of a cliff for a chance to stick it in Jessica Alba, I know I would. But if you’re not that lucky fucker, you’re got to make do. If you’ve got someone you are having sex with regularly, good for you. Put a little English into your lovemaking routine, you’d be surprised how therapeutic someone moaning your name while rocking their hips can be. Otherwise, splurge on a whore. Yeah, I know it’s not ‘politically correct’, but for what it would cost you for a once weekly therapist’s appointment for a month, you can get a fabulous lay that you’ll remember for the rest of your life. Be sure to wear a condom. You’re welcome.
5. Reassure yourself.
It can always get worse. At least you’re not Courtney Love’s personal assistant. (Apologies to Courtney Love’s assistant, put down this magazine and take a jog around the block).
6. Vitamins,
Can’t hurt, right?
7. An Activity.
Having your mind on something else, to get you out of the crushingly pointless and dull dredges of day to day life helps. Try to write a book. Take up the guitar. Get a pet. Join a goddamn club. Do something. It may lead to some #4 if you really put your thinking cap on. What are you waiting for?
8. Fresh Air/Nature
Personally, I think nature is overrated. A few fucking whales and some nice views aren’t going to make up for muscular dystrophy and the black plague. I don’t give a shit is those plants or animals are graceful, nature is basically a big Battle Royale where every living organism is trying it’s damndest to survive at the expense of everything else. But even a prick like me has to acknowledge that fresh air smells a lot better then car exhaust. The ocean smells better then the interior of a bus. If you like camping, by all means, go do it. Personally though, I think it’s for the homeless.

Things You Shouldn’t do.
9. Booze.
Yeah, I know it sucks. If I go for more then twelve hours without a beer I’m ready to slit someone’s throat. But, most suicide victims were soused. Think about it, how many times have you done something while drunk that you regretted later? Weather it is was puking on my front steps, accidentally stepping on a small dog, asking close female friends if we can fuck, threatening a neighbor with a handgun, pissing into a neighbor’s open window, stealing a friend’s cocaine, or any of the other dozen things I have mercifully forgotten while three sheets to the wind I’ve done many things I would not have while sober. A glass or two of wine, the spare bottle of beer, it won’t kill you. Unless you are like me, and one beer leads to a twenty, and one glass of wine leads to two empty bottles, then maybe you’d better lay off alcohol entirely. Just do extra #1, and it will help you sleep.
10. St. John’s Wort.
Hey, I got some magic beans for sale? You want them? I can get a really good price for you, too. Or maybe this piece of the London Bridge is more to your liking?
11. Drugs.
Yeah, for the first ten minutes, cocaine is pretty much the best thing that can ever happen to you. But after, no, it’s not a good idea. If you were feeling rotten to begin with, think about how you feel when the son is coming up, the bag is empty, you’re all out of beer, and you have to be at work in half an hour. I’ve been there. Pot makes you sluggish, paranoid, and can send your mind pin-wheeling. It might be good idea to give it up for a few days. There’s a reason why people do heroin (it feels fantastic), but it’s just not a workable alternative, in fact, spend all the money you have allotted for drugs and booze on that Hooker I mentioned, okay?
12. Prescription Drugs
If you are a terminal case, get some. Otherwise, you really want some jerkoff in a white coat that tinkers with chemicals and test tubes for a big corporation all day dictating how your brains feels? I don’t even like getting my hair cut, much less trusting someone with the chemical balance of my noggin. It’s a division of the mediocrity army that has long since taken over America that wants you to take their drugs instead of working through it.

The Results

I still get upset. I still occasionally think that blowing the top half of my head off would be far preferable to going into work, or going outside. I still swear at the television, constantly threaten people, and comment negatively on my surroundings. I’m still a self absorbed, myopic, mean spirited asshole. If you're like that, you are bound to get gloomy. But I can get by, which is more than I could do before. I wouldn’t lie to you. Try them. Sure, most of it is little more then gussied up common sense with some bonus profanity, but how often is common sense wrong?

What happened?

Have not heard back from said nimrods.

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