TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Some Of The Reasons I Left Hawaii

It is too goddamned slow and laid back. Nobody is ever in a hurry.

Everyone subscribes to the same island philosophy which is basically the same new age bullshit you can find anywhere.

I hate surfing, it's for long haired burnouts, brain dead idiots with raised trucks, or the set that equates the Olive Garden with fine dining.

Locals ostensibly hate outsiders and tourists (as well they should) and yet are totally dependent on them for their livelihood. Make up your fucking mind.

Most residents are too fat.

I never liked lei's. Wear a bunch of flowers around my neck, what, are you fucking crazy?

Why do you wear the Hawaiian shirt? Don't you realize that is why people make fun of us?

It's too expensive.

The fucks who are born there or can trace their roots generations back act like they are the King of Siam. Oh wow, your Great Grandfather lived here, does that really give you license to act like a total prick? If your family moves there when you are a little kid, you are subject to abuse.

Snorkeling. People seem to like it. I think it's bullshit. A bunch of yellow fish and the occasional turtle. You don't deserve your money if you fly across the pacific to see this, even if you live in a Godless shithole like Wisconsin. You swim around, you see a bunch of fish, and more alarmingly, you see a number of fat white people in swimsuits, where if they had any dignity, they would be wearing the old fashioned proto Jacques Cousteau steel suits to conceal their ample flesh from the eyes of the world. You ever see a fat white person in the water? It's horrible. The ocean is filled with things that bite, have claws, secrete poison, have spines, are slimy, are wiggly, or are very stupid. Or possibly all of those factors. I like eating fish. I don't like hanging out with them.

I moved, I do not miss it.

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