TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Friday, October 08, 2004

Some Lousy Asshole On A Bike

Yesterday, driving back home from a disturbing day of work, I was eating a sandwich I made in the kitchen from leftover cold cuts. I didn't feel like buying myself dinner, was too tired to cook, and was hungry from spending all day (successfully) spending my time not snapping and carving out my boss's optical nerves with a letter opener. Anyway, all that was left over was ham, which I have always felt is second rate lunch meat. But, it was free. I was had about half left and was stuck at an intersection when some dickhead on a mountain bike zoomed past. Not only did he radiate the typical self satisfied, smug I'm-on-a-bike-not-a-car-so-somehow-that-makes-me-a-better-human-being
-than-you attitude, he had on tight biking gear (like the fact that, I dunno, YOU'RE ON A FUCKING BIKE wasn't enough of an indication of his biker status, he still had to wear the tights and the lycra or whatever the fuck it is shirt with the dozen of logos), he also had long hair and a big ugly mustache. Really long hair, like the way people who refuse to admit Jesus was a not a white guy typically portray him (not that I have any special affinity for Jesus, I hold him in about as high of esteem as the Easter Bunny), and a mustache that he could use to dust a warehouse floor. Once the light went green I rolled down my passenger side window and threw the remainder of my sandwich at him. I was expecting it to ineffectually bounce off his side, but instead it nailed him in the square in his hairy face. It must have caught him off guard (with his personal appearance, he should have been expecting projectiles) - he wobbled a bit, and in the rear view mirror I caught a brief glimpse of him scrape against the side of a parked car, hit a trashcan, and fly over it, his momentum slamming him face first onto the pavement. His bike summersaulted through the air and crashed on top of him, still tangled in his limbs, then bounced across the sidewalk. I imagine it hurt like a bastard. Here's hoping he didn't get my license plate number.

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