TELL YOUR MOM I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TO PAY HER, HAD THE RIMJOB BEEN OF HIGHER QUALITY

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I Would Like To Force Ham Down The Intern's Gullet Until He Explodes, Then I Will Laugh

Talked to new, unbearably cute pixyish receptionist today. I had ham sandwich for lunch. I could murder our intern, who has to do the grocery shopping now. They don't make me do it anymore because I always bought the wrong shit, and they need to keep me closer to that copier. A snow angel could beat this Intern in checkers, easy. He's dumb and blonde and vacant eyed, must spend hours on his hair and process information about as efficiently as an oak tree. He wears nothing but Volcom clothes. Seriously, pants, shirt, undershirt, shoes, jacket, and baseball cap when he is outside of the building. 'So,' I asked him, 'you like Volcom, eh?'. and he answered 'hell yeah.' I told the guy, 'could you please get some other meat besides ham?' - after all I'm the only person in this place that can't afford to eat at one of the dozens of lousy franchises around here, and the only person that eats meat. But he still keeps buying ham. I asked him today, 'Hey, asshole, I'm sick of the ham? Don't you listen? Is being a moron so time consuming that you didn't have the time to remember when I asked you to get another type of meat?' He just looked at me pissed off and started violently pushing food into the cupboards and refrigerator and slamming drawers and swearing to himself, so I backed off to my desk. When did the world become so tolerant of such stupid individuals? Why isn't he tarred and feather? Why can't there be anti-stupidity vigilante groups, with AK-47's and machetes? Anyways, I was eating my sandwich with one hand a had a handful of documents I had to fax to Peoria (the books got screwed up, because they gave me information that had not been updated, which is somehow MY FUCKING FAULT and I really do no wish to talk about it anymore) and I saw her. She is cute. 'I heard you like music.' she said, all because one time I had the gall to play a CD on my computer and a tiny volume setting, you would have thought I strangled The Pope on live television, I got roughly every single human being in human history that has ever stepped foot in my workplace telling me that playing a CD in the workplace wasn't a good idea and that I must never do it again. Co-workers still talk about the time that 'dumbass Phil played the CD.' Anyway she kind of chuckled and I think she meant well. And I told her that I do like music. She said she really likes The Strokes, Franz Ferdinand, and The White Stripes. She asked: you like 'em? I told her I hadn't heard the first two because I don't listen to the radio, refuse to watch MTV, do not read magazines and do my best to ignore the mainstream media, as well as the underground media. She said she really liked them. I told her I thought the White Stripes were okay (I didn't want to piss her off). She asked who I liked. I told her 'I like everything', which is a total lie. She smiled and I tried to smile back but just breathed more foul ham-breath into the air and made a bee-line to the copier. I saw her talking to that fucking intern later. I think I'll pick up a Strokes record. You have no idea how much it pains me to write that.

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